All You Can Eat by Ed O'Loughlin

Live forever, in the zombie noir procedural

All You Can Eat!

Ever dreamed you were living through a zombie outbreak? Of course you have.

Whether blasting neighbours with a pump-action shotgun, killing hell-spawn children with a lump hammer or looting arsenals for automatic weapons, we all need zombie daydreams just to get us through the day.

But now you no longer need to fantasize about battling an undead cannibal holocaust. Now you can experience it for real, in fiction!

Top international author Edward O’Loughlin is bringing his Kerry Book Prize-longlisted talents to bear on the in-no-way-tired zombie genre with All You Can Eat, a gruesome depiction of an Ireland where society has collapsed and pitiless monsters feast on the weak and defenceless.

And now you too can be a part of it! In a world first for literary-grade fiction, the naming rights to key characters in this high-end pulp novella are being offered to discerning readers, on a first-come, first-served basis.

Thrill! as YOUR NAME HERE, a resourceful single mum, beats a neighbour to death with a hurley stick!

Gasp! as YOUR NAME HERE, a hospital consultant, blasts a sick child in the face with a shotgun!

Clench! as YOUR NAME HERE, the minister charged with solving the crisis, hopes that this whole zombie thing will go away if he can just play for a little more time!

All You Can Eat is guaranteed Grade A lit. fic., which will immortalize your name – or the name of a loved one, friend or enemy – for all eternity, in an undying work of art that will live forever. And it’s not just any literature – it’s Irish literature, from the world’s greenest writing land!

So how does it work?

Simple!

First, familiarize yourself with the story and its characters, by purchasing All You Can Eat from Amazon’s Kindle Store, from iBooks on iTunes, from Nook, from the Sony Reader store or other ebook outlets, where it is now on sale from a bargain $2.99 – only 0.0075c a word!* Then contact our sales team at info@edwardoloughlin.com to discuss our very reasonable rates.

Or you can “buy off the plans” simply by looking through the list of characters appended below.

Whatever it is you are seeking, we are confident we can find a character to suit your needs and your budget.

*£1.99, or €2.60 approx. from equivalent British or European retailers

All You Can Eat – Dramatis Personae

Trigger – a reluctant Dublin criminal – €100

Mary – a dogged casualty nurse – €100

Jack – son of a farmer from north county Dublin – €90

Maeve McLoughlin – Trigger’s sometime girlfriend, mother of his baby SALE AGREED

Dr Jeffrey Daisy – a consultant in infectious diseases €150*

Diarmuid Nolan – a rural politician, Minister of Defence SOLD

Michael Walsh – Trigger’s boyhood friend, a would-be gangster SOLD

Dáithí – a drug dealer and former republican prisoner – €100*

Pat McDonnell – Walsh’s wily political adviser SOLD

Noreen – a senior casualty nurse, close friend of Mary – €50

John Mary – Jack’s father, a short-tempered Naul farmer SOLD

Melanie – Maeve’s younger sister – €50***

General Paul Fitzharris – chief of staff of the Irish Defence Forces – €30

Captain John Campion – his aide de camp SALE AGREED

Dr Sufyan Mahmout – a junior casualty doctor – €30**

Tamsin – Dr Daisy’s wife – €20

Tamsin’s two children – €10 each or €15 the pair

Fats – Dáithí’s henchman €20

Stretch – ditto – €20

Tim – ditto – €25**

General Larry Barry – commander of the Irish Defence Force’s southern command in Cork – €20

Brendan Casey – a farmer and neighbour of Ned – €20

Mairéad Casey – wife of the above – €20

Jem and Kate, their children SALE AGREED

David Dukelow – deceased artisanal pig butcher SOLD

Claire – his no-nonsense wife SOLD

Tashy and Sophie Dukelow -their children SOLD

Mick – an amorous maths teacher and music nerd – €30***

Old lady with youthful appetites – €30***

Seamus Somebody – yacht club social secretary – €30***

Jacinta – wife of the above €20

Fiachra – Dalkey gobshite, doctor and Department of Health insider – €20

Morgan – Daisy’s dead friend from his school days. – €20

Andrew Cuthbertson – an official of the Ministry of Defence in London SOLD

Mikaela, a heavily-armed Ryanair stewardess SOLD

A female official in the Department of the Taoiseach – €20

Adele Byrne – a Naul schoolteacher. – €25***

Vincent – her husband – €25***

Stephen McGarry – Jack’s childhood friend SOLD

Ann McGarry – his mother SOLD

Kieran – ditto – €25***

Rónan – ditto – €25***

Fintan – a neighbour of Sandra. Supports Liverpool – €25***

Reg – a former drug dealer €20

Old Rory Hopkins – a designated GAA bollocks DONATED TO CHARITY

Stitch – a cat SOLD

Hayley – a heroic Shih Tzu – SOLD

Amy – a baby – €20

A heroic organic grower and farmers’ market trader from Balbriggan – €100****

*Bad guy premium rate applies

**Ethnic diversity opportunity

*** Zombie premium rate

**** Saving the world premium rate